Endless Rambling...: November 2008

HAPPY LATE-THANKS GIVING WORLD!

My life is a real blessing, I'm thankful for everything..I have been given so many opportunities, so many chances, and so many blessings, and sometimes I never really get the chance to say 'THANK YOU' to the one who makes these things happen; Our Almighty.

I feel so selfish sometimes, and even just so ungrateful...There are so many other people in this world that don't get the things I receive, and sometimes here I am, complaining to my hearts desire, "My rooms to small, we only have one bathroom, our house doesn't have enough space, I need this, or I need that, I want this car, I need another one of these, etc.etc. etc."...but I am truly blessed.

My lifestyle is just fine. I've become more appreciative of the things I have, the things that have been given to me are truly gifts from the One above. The life I live, is the only life I'd ever live, I'd even live it again. This life in the ministry is the only life that is for sure, and the only life I have lived. Look at the economy, even though it's at an all time low, we're still here, we're still living, and we're not on the streets. Even though times are hard, my family always seems to manage. The generosity of some brethren, and even most especially our family and relatives, they always seem to help us, and sometimes we can't give back to them, but I know in their hearts it doesn't even matter to them, and it really warms my heart and brings a smile to my face that God uses them as instruments to help us and keep up happy and comfortable.

I've also been blessed with great friends and relatives who have become even closer than close to me. A group of friends who keep me grounded and keep from going insane. They've stuck by me through my worst times, and I'm positive they'll continue to stick by me in the future. They forreal are the ones who have been nothing but real, honest, and trustworthy.

So Dear Father, THANK YOU once again, you've always provided me with all I need, THANK YOU to our family, relatives, and brethren who always show their generosity.

When I was younger I would always wish my family would be the type of family on TV, like 7th heaven or even like the family on Full House. I always wished for us to be the 'perfect' family. I think I wished this even more because we're a minister's family, but through the years I stopped wishing for that silly fantasy to come true and just accepted the fact that there's no such thing as perfect, most especially in families...

Tonight my sister and I had one of our huge monthly arguments. A lot of the time I finish with things I wished I would have never said, but it didn't this time. I usually feel so mad and hurt at all the hurtful and mean things she brings up in our arguments, but tonight was different, I was more hurt and disappointed for a few other reasons.

She brought up the fact that I'm almost 22 years old and not yet finished with school. Yes, I AM almost 22 years old and not finished with school, and YES my best friends who are a year or two younger than me are almost finished with school and here I am attempting to finish my general ed classes and lower major requirements...BUT this was my choice! It was MY choice to attend community college instead of going to one of the 4-year colleges that I got accepted to, only because I wasn't living with my family for almost a year and I really missed the company of being around them. And maybe I could hurry it up a little bit, and yes, maybe I'm not living up to my full potential, but I don't put school first, believe it or not, I literally put school second and Church FIRST, literally FIRST, and it will always come first in my life, and nothings wrong with that, I'd rather be doing my part in church when no one else will sacrifice their time. It makes me kind of sad that my sister thinks of me ask some kind of 'bum' or a low life that can't even finish simple general ed classes, but unlike everyone else, we have a different life, we have the life of the ministry and sometimes yes, it sometimes holds us back and makes us sacrifice even our education, but it's something that I've learned to understand and to not let that get in the way of living my life the way I'd like to, it's all in God's plan for me.

She also said that I can't accept her for the way she is, how could I not accept her? She's my sister. Yeah, we're totally different, we don't have much in common, we're very different, but it's never made me love her any less. Not since when I was younger have I ever said anything bad about her behind her back. Yes, there's been the occasional "she's so annoying" or the "she gets on my nerves!" but I've never said anything bad about her, I've never said anything bad about her as a person even when I'm at my maddest. When I talk about her to my friends, it's nothing but praise, only because I'm jealous of her. She's so much funnier than me, and more outgoing than I am, and so much more liked by people than I am. She's always been the one who has more friends than me, which I don't mind...I only need my small close group of friends, but she's the one who's rarely shy when moving to a new locale, I'm usually the one who's attached to her when we're in a new place. She's smarter than me, and sometimes even more wise than I am. She hasnt made dumb mistakes with boys like I have. She's more athletic and even stronger than me physically. She's more computer-savvy, she's a better writer than I am and he list goes on and on and on...But she has a really bad attitude, which I wish she would just hurry up and fix, but I know she'll adjust at her on pace, I know I have to be more patient and learn to listen to her, but it really hurts my feelings that she just can't even praise me a little bit for the things I do for her, and for always defending her when I hear people talking behind her back or when even when I defend her when my parents and her don't always see eye to eye. It hurts my feelings when I can hear through the walls that she says nothing but mean and somewhat selfish things to her friends about me. I wish we could have a relationship that was more friendly and more sisterly, and maybe one day when we're older it'll be like, but as of now, I'm hurt and I'm trying really hard to keep it inside and let her grow up on her own, but isn't that what older sister's are supposed to do? Aren't we supposed to advise our siblings and just hope and pray they take that advice and use it and conquer the world? Because that's how I feel, I hope and most of all pray that my brother and most of all my sister makes it through this life without a scratch and safe and knowledgeable.

She's my bestest friend, but most of all my sister no matter what. I just wish she'd understand that the love I give is different, it's a different kind of love I don't just give to everyone. I'm hard on the one's I love, I'm so hard on them that sometimes it makes them so angry and so irritated and so frustrated they'll break away from me, but if they love me back as much as I do with them, they'll come back because it's the kind of love so strong and unbreakable, it's a kind of love that no one else will give because there's nothing else like it, whether it be with my sister or brother or in my friendships or in my relationships with guys, those people are the type of people you keep close to your heart, the one's that always come back; I give tough love. Yes, I may give people chances, but I don't give out my kind of love to everyone, only the one's I want to keep in my life. I just wish my sister could understand that. I am the way I am, because I've been so hurt and disappointed and let down so many times by people who I thought were important to me, and I don't want her to feel that type of pain inside of her, I don't want her to have those feelings for people she cares do deeply about. I don't want her to live unhappily...